Saturday, December 21, 2013

Piñata (Winter Solstice LP 2013)

It's the one year anniversary of the great Mayan apocalypse! To celebrate, I'm releasing my newest LP


Features the hit single "My Liver's Gone (But My Heart's Still Here)"

Happy solstice! Piece of candy.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Shia LaBeouf Original Talent Reel - 2014

Shia LaBeouf wants to rectify his 2013 plagiarism scandal, so he put together an explosively original talent reel for 2014. Acting, writing, producing, editing, directing, craft services... LaBeouf does it all!

Upcoming Original LaBeouf Productions: Dracula, The Empire Strikes Back, E.T., The Lost Boys, Pulp Fiction, Casablanca, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Rocky III, The Breakfast Club.

Shia LaBeouf is Harrison Ford.

LaBeef Industries, All Rights Reserved, 2014.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Reindeer Makin' It Rain

The International Songwriting Competition shared my music video on their Facebook page. They made it rain. Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Toxie for a Day at Troma Studios

My ten-year-old self would have never believed this! I got to pose for pictures as The Toxic Avenger with the lovely Asta Paredes, star of Troma's "Return to Nuke'Em High Vol. 1".

Perfect. You can officially call me a mutant.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Troma Entertainment

Working for Troma Entertainment has been lots of fun so far. Like when I helped The Pizza Boys shoot these "Tromeo & Juliet" "Sgt. Kabukiman" & "Cannibal! The Musical" remakes. Includes some of my stellar camerawork, and my arm makes a couple of cameos!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Doggy Bag EP

My newest EP "Doggy Bag" is now available for your listening pleasure. Features the hit single "Don't Get That Coke In My Dickhole"

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Bocce Brothers "Hard Ass: Side A"

An atomic bomb dropped yesterday, on the 2013 Autumnal Equinox. The greatest hip-hop record of the last 25 years...

Written, Produced & Performed by John & Dan Brennan. 

Rooster & The Hambone slapboxin' your eardrums. 

Candy-ass-wRappers step up. 

We'll be waiting at the buffet.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

THE ITCH TO PITCH (Part Seven): "What's Eating Gilbert Grape 2"

Breaking into Hollywood in this day and age is a daunting task for any aspiring screenwriter -- especially those who aspire to originality. Remakes, reboots, reimaginings, and sequels continue to dominate the yearly output of every major studio. Well, I'm broke. Screw originality! Sign me up for the goddamn job! Here are snippets, pitches, story outlines, and casting suggestions for the ridiculous Hollywood sequels I'm ready to write NOW.


Summer 2013 was a bit of a bummer for Johnny Depp. "The Lone Ranger" became an expensive flop and lost an estimated 150 million dollars. In turn, Disney slashed the budget for Pirates 5. Depp and his cohorts pointed fingers in the press, claiming critics were set to pan the project long before seeing a single frame. Whatever the case may be, you can bet your sweet ass his next few movies will get panned. No matter what Depp does creatively, he's pretty much set himself up to be fucked in the review department. You know what that means? Back to the drawing board, buddy. Don't feel too bad though. Lucky bastard is dating the deliciously bisexual Amber Heard.

"Failure does not exist. Just look at my girlfriend's butt cheeks." 

Depp is an A-list movie star for sure, but he's also retained some quirky thespian traits. Mofo is always covered in make-up, putting on wigs, wearing stupid hats, inventing wack-a-doo walks, speaking in accents, and flailing all about our movie screens. A return to low-budget cinema will be the quickest way for him to regain critical credibility. He recently played the nostalgia card with a cameo in "21 Jump Street". Further nostalgia is a surefire way to win back the hearts of the people. In my opinion, he needs to conjure up a sequel to 1993's oddball "What's Eating Gilbert Grape".

But there's a catch. The return of Leonardo DiCaprio is absolutely necessary for this to work. Without Leo, the project is doomed to failure. Arnie Grape is DiCaprio's greatest contribution to the craft of acting thus far. ON A SIDE NOTE: Tommy Lee Jones did a fine job in "The Fugitive", but DiCaprio was a powerhouse in Grape. He definitely deserved 1994's Best Supporting Actor Oscar. Even Ralph Fiennes should have won for "Schindler's List" instead of Jones. I'm still bitter about this fuckery.

Anyway, in a perfect world we have Depp and DiCaprio back for the sequel. And in an even perfecter world we have Juliette Lewis returning to the role of Becky, and Jennifer Lawrence portraying a new character named Fern. 

"Fern... Fern... Fern... Fern... Fern..."

It's 2014. Gilbert's long, flowing hair is completely gray. He's weathered from rambling, having traveled the States in an RV with Becky (now wife) and his autistic brother Arnie for two decades. The trio never settles in a single place for too long. They perform odd jobs to earn cash then bounce to the next destination. They're addicted to the open road. 

Complications begin a week before Gilbert and Becky's twentieth wedding anniversary. Becky wants to have a baby before it's too late, but Gilbert doesn't want to be a father. They argue. They spit at each other. Gilbert feels Arnie is already enough of a responsibility. Becky feels Gilbert is being a selfish dick. With tension in the air, Gilbert decides to do something romantic for Becky on their upcoming wedding anniversary. He returns to the spot where they first met in the town of Endura.

Unfortunately, bad memories hit Gilbert like a ton of bricks upon entering Endura. He runs away from Becky and Arnie. He visits the plot where his family's house once stood. He remembers his father's suicide. He remembers his obese momma. He cries like a baby and pisses his jeans.

Back in town, Arnie won't shut up about Burger Barn. Becky takes him there. While scarfing down a cheeseburger, Arnie meets a hot autistic girl named Fern. They hit it off. They climb the water tower together. Romance blossoms. They kiss and laugh, running hand in hand through green meadows, swimming naked in the local pond.

With Arnie and Gilbert off doing their own things, Becky takes some time to tune up the RV. She smokes pot and hikes up her short shorts. John C. Reilly shows up in his Burger Barn uniform. After some small talk about RV engines and cross-country travel, Becky and John C. Reilly maul each other. They make hot love on the RV's kitchen table.

"I enjoy burgers and sex."

Gilbert tailspins into depression. He drinks a bottle of vodka and becomes violent. He fistfights local tough guys and gets the shit kicked out of him. All bloodied up and missing teeth, he finds Arnie and Fern fingering each other behind the Burger Barn dumpsters. Gilbert forces them to get drunk. Loaded, they all enter a tattoo parlor. That's when Gilbert blacks out.

He wakes the next morning in a police station drunk tank with a wicked hangover. To make matters worse, there's a fresh tattoo in the middle of his forehead: a red heart containing the word "mom". Becky pays Gilbert's bail, but she has some truly horrible news... Arnie and Fern stole the RV and are headed for the Burger Barn headquarters in Chicago. Gilbert, Becky and John C. Reilly chase after them in a rental car.

Gilbert tries to reconcile with Becky on the ride to Chicago. He agrees to impregnate her, but she has changed her mind. She now wants a divorce. She's in love with John C. Reilly and is probably already pregnant with his baby. Gilbert cries and takes a big wet shit in his pants. John C. Reilly snores in the back seat. He wakes up, makes a funny face and says: "What's that awful smell, Gilbert?" Becky rolls her eyes and cracks a window.

Meanwhile, Arnie and Fern have adventures in Chicago. They win over some big-wig Burger Barn executives. They star in a Burger Barn commercial. They finger each other in public and eat free cheeseburgers. 

Gilbert, Becky and John C. Reilly finally find Arnie and Fern on the porch of a crack house near The Chicago White Sox stadium. They all get high on the best crack rock in Illinois. Suddenly, a humongous asteroid is visible in the clear blue sky. Gilbert sees his mother's face in the asteroid craters. She says: "I love you, Gilbert." Crispin Glover appears out of nowhere begins breakdancing. Fern sings a spirited rendition of "Fuck The Pain Away" by Peaches. Becky and John C. Reilly get naked and kiss passionately. Arnie points to the asteroid and shouts: "That's my momma!" Gilbert smiles for the first time in the entire move. The asteroid hits. Everyone dies a horrible death. 


There you have it. This project will put Depp back on top with the critics. It's sure to "wow" audiences as well. Budget projected at around thirty million dollars. Most of that will go to actor's salaries, craft services, and big asteroid SFX for the finale. The box office return will quadruple the budget, guaranteed. And I'm not even including foreign markets.

Now, some parting words from Dr. Nathan Jordan with a Ridiculous Sequel Tagline: "This summer, Depp and DiCaprio are putting the 'rape' back in 'Grape'."


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Breaking News: James Franco Wins Satan's Respect With New Music Video

Hollywood Renaissance Man James Franco directed a music video for his band Daddy, which has inadvertently won the respect of Satan himself. Visuals for the song "Love In The Old Days" are riddled with Magick rituals, occult symbolism, and nightmarish blood orgies. 

Have a look: 

Not long after the file uploaded to YouTube, Satan rose from The Inferno to voice his opinion, obviously thrilled to see such evil on display. 

"I thought James Franco was just some dumb-ass Hollywood mook, but along comes this cray-cray video. Motherfucka has my full attention! I'll be offering a deal for his soul real soon. It'll be good to get that nefarious bastard on MY side. Bravo, Franco!"

No word yet on whether or not Franco will roast in hell for all eternity, but up next for the "Spiderman" star is a Comedy Central roast.

We will keep you abreast of this situation as it develops.

In the meantime, breasts...

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Hot Dog Freeze Heat | John Brennan | Official Music Video

Official music video for my new song "Hot Dog Freeze Heat"

The Daily Krapht – Twelve Am Flowers – “A Luxury Squeeze” & “Dark Rose” | WORDKRAPHT

Dark Rose | twelve a.m. flowers | Promo Video

Shot, edited and co-directed "Dark Rose" for the band twelve a.m. flowers (Promo video 2 of 2).

"A Luxury Squeeze" | twelve a.m. flowers | Promo Video

Shot, edited and co-directed "A Luxury Squeeze" for the band twelve a.m. flowers (Promo video 1 of 2).

Thursday, June 6, 2013

THE ITCH TO PITCH (Part Six): Wesley Snipes is "Customer 57"

Breaking into Hollywood in this day and age is a daunting task for any aspiring screenwriter -- especially those who aspire to originality. Remakes, reboots, reimaginings, and sequels continue to dominate the yearly output of every major studio. Well, I'm broke. Screw originality! Sign me up for the goddamn job! Here are snippets, pitches, story outlines, and casting suggestions for the ridiculous Hollywood sequels I'm ready to write NOW.



"He delivers vengeance right to your face."

-- Dr. Nathan Jordan

Hello, Mr. Snipes! I have a sequel suggestion. This is a no-brainer. Let's fire up a companion piece to the movie that catapulted your career as an action icon, Passanger 57.

Your character, John Cutter, was a former police officer haunted by the death of his wife in a convenience store robbery. He had taken to training self-defense to flight attendants. Then, old friend Sly Delvecchio (Tom Sizemore) offered Cutter the chance to be the vice-president of a new anti-terrorism unit for his company: Atlantic International Airlines. Cutter was reluctant, but Delvecchio and the company's president Stuart Ramsey (Bruce Greenwood) convinced him to accept the offer. Cutter boarded as the 57th passenger on an Atlantic International flight to Los Angeles. Terrorists seized the flight. Cutter fought back. He won. Afterward, Cutter made a quiet escape into the distance with Marti Slayton, an attractive flight attendant who aided in battle against the bad guys.

"Always bet on.... uh.... Sorry, line please?"

Customer 57 will begin with an informative montage during the opening credits. We're shown exactly what transpired in the immediate aftermath of Passenger 57. Newspaper headlines, magazine articles, talk show footage, etc. The gist: John Cutter became a national hero and a household name after saving American citizens from the international terrorist Charles Rane, aka "The Rane of Terror." He was celebrated by the media and his fellow countrymen. The peak of his celebrity came in the form of a banquet at the White House where he received a special medal of honor from the president. John Cutter, American hero. End montage.

Flash forward two decades. Cutter is now head of security at a mall in Glendale, CA. He spends his days chasing shop lifters and scolding inept underlings, hating every minute of it. He settled for the nine-to-five grind long ago at the behest of his wife, Marti. But, Cutter and Marti are on the brink of divorce. She had an affair with her former boss, Atlantic International's bigwig, Stuart Ramsey. Marti is now in the final stages of leaving Cutter, and she's taking their teenaged daughter with her. 

Although their departure hits him hard, Cutter focuses on the upside -- he's free to change jobs. He immediately resigns from his mall post and reaches out to his trusted contact, Sly Delveccio. Still running security for the now financially troubled Atlantic International Airlines, Delveccio is happy to hear from his old friend. He agrees to meet. After a bit of catching up over drinks, Delveccio says he knows of an open position at a high-end private security firm in Downtown, Los Angeles: FUTURE SECURITIES. It's perfect. Cutter accepts.

To his dismay, his first assignment is a dull one. His post is to stand guard at the front entrance of a bank. Every time a person enters he needs to click a tally counter in order to keep track of the customer influx. That's it. Cutter protests the assignment. He wants to do something more exciting. But, with promises of advancement in the firm, and at the insistence of Delveccio, he reluctantly takes the job. After days of monotony, Cutter grows bored. He's caught in a haze of indifference, when...


Cutter looks to his watch. 9:23am. It's going to be another long day. He sighs and rubs his eyes.

A CUSTOMER enters the front entrance.

Cutter clicks the tally counter in his hand and opens his eyes. He notices the number: 57. Bad omen. He looks up.

A doppelganger stands before him -- Cutter is face to face with his own spitting image! This is CUSTOMER 57

Cutter freezes, mouth agape. The sight of his face on another human being is too damn perplexing. No way to react, except...

           What the FUCK???

Customer 57 smiles, winks, and fires a high powered stun gun.

Cutter's hit. He falls to the floor and spazzes out violently until he's unconscious. 

"But, that's MY head..."

With Cutter down, masked henchmen come out of the woodwork and join Customer 57 in robbing the bank. They take care of the remaining security guards and order frightened employees to do their bidding. Customer 57's target is very specific: a handful of safe deposit boxes hidden in a secret room underneath the vault. Once they get exactly what they came for, the robbers hightail it out of there. They leave the rest of the bank's contents completely untouched.

Just as the last henchmen exits the bank, Cutter regains consciousness and follows in hot pursuit. He commandeers a motorcycle from a greasy biker on the street and ignites a high speed chase through Downtown LA. Guns shots! Car wrecks! Close calls! Explosions! This will be the car chase to end all car chases. At least fifteen minutes of screen time. Cutter pays special attention to Customer 57's getaway car, all the while fighting off well-armed henchmen.

Finally, Cutter is relieved to see police vehicles join the pursuit, but he suddenly comes to the realization: THEY'RE ACTUALLY AFTER HIM! A cop car clips his motorcycle tire and sends him flying down an embankment on the side of a highway. He's flung off the bike and tumbles to a halt, bruised and battered. As Customer 57 and the real bad guys get away, hundreds of cops surround Cutter and place him under arrest.

A grueling interrogation follows. LAPD, FBI, CIA; everyone takes a crack at Cutter. During questioning, he's shown security footage from the robbery. It's plain as day, Cutter is the face of Customer 57. He remains steadfast in his innocence. Why would a hard-working patriot such as himself, a man who saved Americans from international terrorists, suddenly take to crime? He theorizes that he's the fall guy in an elaborate hi-tech setup. The authorities mock Cutter, offering their own joke theory: the criminals are really robots from the future! Cutter asks what was stolen from the bank. The authorities feel there's no need to give out that information. They believe Cutter is guilty. End of story. Soon after, they cart him off to prison to await trial.


While in prison, Cutter encounters two types of hard-ass inmates. One, those who remember Cutter as an American hero and respect him for it. Two, skinheads who don't give a shit and want to pick on the fresh meat. Cutter gets jumped in the cafeteria by a group of skinheads on his first night. He's rusty, but his martial arts skills knock them the fuck out. After the fight, he lets them know: "You spun the roulette wheel, motherfuckas! Always bet on black!" Guards rush in and grab Cutter. He thinks he's going to solitary confinement for the fight, but he's actually about to be released. Someone's paid his bail. That someone is Sly Delveccio.

Delveccio and his associates take Cutter straight to the airport. A private jet awaits their arrival. Cutter is worried, he can't leave the state. Delveccio reassures him. They're just flying to Northern California to meet a high-powered attorney who is willing to work pro bono on Cutter's case. 

After takeoff, Delveccio excuses himself and enters the bathroom. This is when shit really hits the fan. After a moment, Delveccio exits the bathroom, but his face has changed. HE HAS BEEN REPLACED BY CUSTOMER 57! Cutter is flabbergasted. He jumps up to blitz the motherfucker, but Delveccio's associates hold him back from attacking. Customer 57's face begins glitch and morph, like the static on a TV set. Huge reveal: Customer 57 slowly removes his face... It's Delveccio wearing a hologram helmet! 

"Surprise, dick-face! I'm your Customer 57!"

Delveccio's associates sit Cutter down in front of a chess board. Delveccio challenges Cutter to a game. With nowhere to run, Cutter accepts. Delveccio controls the white pieces, Cutter controls black. During their battle on the chess board, Delveccio takes the spotlight and goes off on an exposition-laden "Bond villain" monologue. The backstory: Stuart Ramsey has been stealing employee pension money for years, putting it toward CEO and senior executive pay. The Atlantic International upper crust has been paying themselves handsomely while running the airline into the ground. Now that the company is about to go under, the lower tier employees - which includes Delveccio and his associates - have been fucked out of their retirement money. Two decades of loyalty down the drain. So, Delveccio and his associates cooked up a plan to hit the bank in retaliation. They ripped off Ramsey's personal safe deposit boxes. 

A couple of weeks before the plan's execution, Delveccio realized he needed a patsy. That's when Cutter contacted him out of the blue. He found his fall guy. Future Securities was just a shell company, bait for the dupe. Cutter asks, "Why me, Goddamnit? We were friends!" Delveccio explains: ever since the White House dinner in Cutter's honor twenty years earlier, Delveccio has held a festering grudge. He claims Cutter dissed him in front of the president by purposely downplaying Delveccio's role in ending "The Rane of Terror".

Now, the current plan. The jet they're on is heading to an airport near Ramsey's summer home in Napa Valley. The money from the bank just wasn't enough. Ramsey must pay. Delveccio is going to murder him. Cutter will once again take the blame. Since Ramsey is screwing Cutter's wife, there's a rock solid motive. It's the perfect plan. With that bit of information, Delveccio moves his knight and puts Cutter's king is in "check". Cutter is shaken, taking in all this new information. He looks out the window and spots a small single engine plane approaching. He returns his attention to the chessboard... 


Cutter contemplates his move.

          You forgot one thing, Delveccio.

          Oh yeah. What's that?

          Never underestimate the black pawn.

Cutter goes to move his chess piece, but instead stabs Delveccio in the eye with it!

Delveccio screams in agony.

Cutter quickly attacks Delveccio's associates, kicking major ass all over the plane. He pulls the handle on the emergency exit.

Pressure change! Cutter is sucked outside. 

Delveccio and his associates hang on for dear life. 


Cutter sails through the air. He lands on the wing of the single engine plane. 


The PILOT, an elderly white-haired man wearing a wool cap, drinks from a flask. He's startled to scream when Cutter lands on the wing.  

Cutter hangs on for dear life.

           Mothafucka! Let me in!

The pilot opens the door and helps Cutter to safety.

"Awh shit! Drop Zone!"

Cutter immediately calls his estranged wife on the pilot's cell phone. He demands to know the location of Ramsey's house in Napa. Turns out, she's there with him! To make matters worse, Cutter's daughter is there too! Cutter slips into panic mode. They're all gonna die! Time is of the essence! "Put Ramsey on the goddamn phone!" He quickly explains Delveccio's plan and urges Ramsey to take the girls somewhere safe. Ramsey agrees. He says he'll take the girls to his favorite winery. They will hide in the caves with the oak barrels. No one will look for them there. Cutter agrees to the plan. He'll meet them as soon as humanly possible.

"We can get totally loaded while hiding from the bad guys."

After having his eye poked out with the chess piece, Delveccio devolves into a sadistic madman with an eye patch and an itchy trigger finger. He wants everyone dead! Men! Women! Children! The guilty! The innocent! No one is safe! Nothing is sacred! He's willing to kill anyone who gets in his way. Stakes is high.

The rest of the movie morphs into one long chase sequence in which Cutter dispatches bad guys, protects his family, and saves Stuart Ramsey's life. It starts with a crazy shoot out in the Napa Valley caves, continues in sports cars and trucks on the highway, passes through the Redwood Forest, heads over to the San Francisco Bay, and climaxes in an epic boat chase. This boat chase will be the greatest boat chase ever created. At least twenty minutes of screen time. The final showdown will take place in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a speed boat that's stalled over shark-infested waters. After a long and brutal fist fight between Cutter and Delveccio, Cutter finally body-slams Delveccio into the ocean and watches him get eaten by sharks. Cutter yells, "Checkmate,  mothafucka!" and spits blood. Good riddance.

After the chase, Cutter's name is cleared. He's once again hailed as a hero. Stuart Ramsey, in a desperate attempt to grab positive media attention, tries to shake Cutter's hand and thank him in front of the press. Cutter is blunt. "Eat shit, Ramsey. I don't shake hands with criminals." He walks off into the distance, alone. Saxophone music plays us out. The end.

All right, Mr. Snipes! Thanks for your time. I believe this ridiculous sequel idea would make the perfect balls-to-the-wall follow up to Passenger 57I truly hope you're interested in participating. If not, that sucks. We'll have to resort to plan B and pull a "Major League 2" -- recast the role, Omar Epps style.