Monday, December 10, 2012

Leonard Dunham

Gawker recently leaked Lena Dunham's book proposal, which sold for $3.7 million dollars in October 2012...

Of course Ms. Dunham and her legal team had Gawker pull the book proposal off line...

So, just slightly related to all of this hubbub, I present a short sketch I wrote when Ms. Dunham first sold her lucrative book proposal. It would probably never see the light of day otherwise. Here ya go...



OFFICE WORKERS mingle in a boardroom. Corks pop! Champagne pours! Celebration! MR. BACKIE stands on a chair.

Attention everyone! Attention! It’s a great day here at Jester
Publishing. We beat out the big six and nabbed our star for a
cool five million dollars! That's ninety percent of our budget, but,
as I’m sure you will agree, worth every penny. Now, without
further ado, please welcome Mr. Leonard Dunham!

LEONARD DUNHAM enters. He’s a gray-haired black man in his 70s. Office Workers erupt in jeers.

What’s wrong?

We told you LENA Dunham… creator of “Girls”...
tattooed Brooklynite… FEMALE!

Mr. Backie screams in agony then jumps out a window to his death. Office Workers are stunned silent. They look to Leonard. He shifts, uncomfortable under their gaze.

Mr. Dunham. What is your book about?

Well… It’s actually a dream journal…

Office Workers scream in agony and begin to commit suicide in various ways: Seppuku, hanging by noose, cyanide capsules, etc.

After everyone is dead, Leonard wipes his brow with a handkerchief.

Good thing I already cashed that check.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Unchecked Facts & Figures (III)

Studies Show: Most nocturnal orgasms - a.k.a. "wet dreams" - occur when horny ghosts take advantage of a sleeping, living person's genitals. Sources say it has something to do with the undead's everlasting bed sheet fetish. Sleep tight! Or, if you're into it, sleep loose!

Unchecked Facts & Figures (II)

Studies Show: Laptop computers be acting like pussies. They can't even stand a little water in the keyboard. Put on some fish-shapped swimmies and jump in the goddamn pool already you weak pieces of shit!

Unchecked Facts & Figures (I)

Studies Show: The world no longer caters exclusively to omnivores. Case in point, the lack of Scorpion burgers at McDonald's. Sources say this is also a form of discrimination against Arachnid.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

THE ITCH TO PITCH (Part Three): "Brokeback Mountain Goat"

Breaking into Hollywood in this day and age is a daunting task for any aspiring screenwriter -- especially those who aspire to originality. Remakes, reboots, reimaginings and sequels continue to dominate the yearly output of every major studio. Well, I'm broke. Screw originality! Sign me up for the goddamn job! Here are snippets, pitches, story outlines and casting suggestions for the ridiculous Hollywood sequels I'm ready to write NOW.

"Brokeback Mountain Goat"

Sorry. This will not be a direct followup to Ang Lee's 2005 film (starring Jake Gyllenhaal & Heath Ledger) about cowboys falling in love. No. This will be more of a sidequel. We'll follow a lovelorn goat named Harry who is looking for love in all the wrong places. Here's a sample scene... 

I'm feeling traditional 2D animation on this one. Maybe even the involvement of Disney. The "suits" might want to go with Pixar's computer animation, but for me it's all about the hand-drawn "Lion King" vibe. 

I would cast the one and only Howie Mandel (Gizmo's voice in the "Gremlin" movies) as the voice of Harry the Goat...

My "sources" tell me that Ang Lee may want to return to the director's chair. Good, it's totally his for the taking! AND maybe, just maybe, Anne Hathaway will agree to go topless again. It'll be for a tastefully done post-credit sequence where she gives me a lap dance while wearing those tight Catwoman pants. Fingers crossed.

Plus, for bonus points, I'll add a weird-but-true news story to the plot. That way we can open with the obligatory title card "Based on a True Story":


Thursday, June 21, 2012

"Samson Sees the World" (a children's book)

Written by John Brennan
Illustrated by Lynsie B. Loud

Samson the Penguin dwelled near the sea
In the arctic southern pole.
His parents had made an island sleet cave
Their cozy little home.

Two of his friends, a bear and a seal,
Always called Samson to swim.
They would go race in the chilly sea waves.
Samson most often would win.

As good as he was at swimming for fun
Sometimes he felt low-down.
For he was a bird that never could learn
To fly above frosty ground.

Seagulls would soar and taunt from the air,
"How is the weather down there?"
Samson ignored them and went on his way
Pretending not even to care.

But he asked his parents both hundreds of times,
"We're birds! So why can't we fly?"
His mom served him fish on an icicle dish
At loss for a decent reply.

Samson had dreams for weeks upon weeks
Of flying up over the clouds.
Whenever he woke it shattered his hope
And left him an unhappy frown.

Samson and friends, one day on a swim,
Discovered a sector of note.
A human ice base abandoned to waste
On an island - small, far, and remote.

"I've seen that thing! It flies without wings!"
The bear said with oodles of zeal.
"What do you mean? A flying machine?"
Inquired the curious seal.

Samson yelled, "Hey! That's just what I need!
It'll help me get up in the air!"
The rest of the season he worked for one reason:
The flying machine's repair.

For days upon days, and weeks upon weeks,
He failed and he failed and he failed.
The work became rough, uneasy and tough.
He spirit was almost derailed.

So soon he gave in. "I'll never fix this."
He sighed as he put down his hammer.
Then suddenly blue lights from up in the sky
Were joined by an alien clamor. 

Space Men descended. The sight was so splendid
That Samson could not even speak.
They used many gadgets, and almost like magic,
Concocted a brand new machine.

Samson was shown to work the unknown;
A vessel of special creation.
The Space Men got going, their wake brightly glowing.
Samson yelled "Thanks!" with elation.

Beyond this event he was content
To aviate close to his home.
But one day while soaring, a thought came outpouring,
"There are so many places to go!"

Samson took off from family and friends,
Making initial ascent.
"I bid thee farewell and I'll have tales to tell
When my journeys come to an end."

For half of a week, up over the sea,
He searched for a new foreign land.
Then on the horizon a landmass was rising.
The sight to young Samson was grand.

The first place he landed was down in Australia,
The populous city of Sydney.
He rested in style on an Opera House while
Some fat ladies inside were singing.

China was second of lands that did beckon.
He stopped atop the Great Wall.
Looking around - left, right, up, and down...
Samson felt so very small.

Next on his way he passed over Rome
Seeing the great Coliseum.
Tourists outside to the tall ancient walls
All waved hello just to greet him.

He swooped down through Africa, over the plains,
Then zoomed back up into Egypt.
Samson toured pyramids once built for kings.
The locals and camels were speechless.

One summer day, July the 14th,
Samson went over to Paris.
He joined with the crowds - large, cheering and loud,
But started in missing his parents.

American land was lush, green, and grand...
Samson saw so very much.
But he didn't set down on any firm ground
Being in such a big rush.

Meanwhile at home, in the South Pole,
Samson's relations were waiting.
When he came back they all had a blast
And gladly began celebrating.

Everyone questioned and asked of his trip,
"Which was the best place to roam?"
Samson said, "Out of the places I've been
My favorite place is home."

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Taking Sheets Around The World

Behold! My spec commercial "Taking Sheets Around the World". This was a finalist in the 2012 Sheets Brand Energy Strips commercial contest...