My True Horrors... CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST

  

     Halloween is my favorite holiday. The iconography, the history, the costumes, the parties, the trick-or-treating; I get giddy with excitement whenever autumn rolls around. Every October, as my own personal celebration, I immerse myself in a month-long horror movie marathon. I seek out scary films which I have never seen and watch at least one a day. Some are mainstream, some are obscure, and some are the stuff of legend. 
     In 2007, I watched one film which surpasses all definition. A film so notorious that it is purported to have been banned in over fifty countries. A film so gruesome that I still have a problem ingesting fish sticks without wincing. This film is 1980's 'Cannibal Holocaust' by director Ruggero Deodato. 'The Exorcist', which I first watched when I was in the fourth grade, is the only other viewing experience that equally rocked me to my core. I am now a different person for having experienced 'Cannibal Holocaust'. It is an anomaly of horror cinema. Let me tell you why.
     I was living in Los Angeles. About halfway through 2007's October movie marathon, I invited my friend and co-worker Ben Talbot to my apartment on a Sunday night. We'd drink some beers and watch a couple of horror movies with my brother. He gladly accepted. Ben and I had similar tastes in entertainment, so I knew he'd be a superb viewing partner through the good, the bad, and the cheesy of scary cinema. 
     Realizing my current Netflix selections wouldn't arrive in time - pre-dating my access to Netflix instant on television - I had to improvise. I decided to open a membership at Rocket Video on La Brea Ave., across from the over-hyped Pink's Hotdogs (Carney's on Sunset is better). Rocket Video is one of the last and best independent video stores in LA. Extensive selections, well-organized shelves, and a helpful staff; how the hell did Blockbuster ever become the model for video rental services? Boggles the mind. 
     I perused the horror aisle and picked out four items from my unseen movies list: 'Black Christmas' (1974), 'My Bloody Valentine' (1981), 'Happy Birthday to Me' (1981), and 'The House on Sorority Row' (1983). I continued looking around the store and came across a 'Cult Movies' section. There, a VHS box caught my eye: 'Cannibal Holocaust'. As a frequent reader of aintitcool.com, this title had poked it's head out in their articles for many years. Every time someone mentioned the movie on the site, comments would follow about how notoriously gruesome it was. I picked up the worn box - an old plastic video sleeve - and read the back. The phrase "The most controversial movie ever made..." solidified my decision to rent. 

     As the clerk scanned my movies at the register he paused to look over the 'Cannibal Holocaust' box. He let out a puff of knowing laughter.
     "Bad?" I asked. "I heard it's crazy."
     He shook his head and laughed again, finalizing my purchases. I paid. As I exited the store the clerk called out, "Good luck."
     I thought he was just being a dick.
     On my way home I picked up a thirty-pack of beer, a bottle of vodka, tonic water, limes, and three bags of chips. We were now well-stocked for the night.
     Ben arrived around seven pm. My brother, Ben and I cracked open beers and conversed for a bit. What to watch? I showed them the options, all except 'Cannibal Holocaust'. I don't know why I held it back initially. Maybe I needed a few drinks to gain courage? We started with the classic 'Black Christmas' directed by Bob Clark (same director as 'A Christmas Story'). Please, at all costs, avoid the shitty remake and watch this film. Many directors have lifted from it, stolen from it, and brought zero justice in doing so. The tension is palpable, and the infamous twist still holds up as a mind scrambler -- an extremely positive viewing experience. Next up, 'My Bloody Valentine'. This piece of 80s slasher-cheese was ultimately disappointing when viewed after 'Black Christmas'. I thought it was okay, Ben was indifferent, and my brother hated it with a passion; he decided to go to bed, work in the morning.
     With plenty of alcohol still left to drink, and the the clock barely touching midnight, I asked Ben if he wanted to watch one more. Something different. Something notorious. I showed him the VHS box for 'Cannibal Holocaust'. He was in, but expressed the need for something more substantial to eat other than chips. I searched the freezer and found a box of unopened fish sticks. I got a thumbs up from Ben, so I fired up the oven, cracked two more beers, and pressed play on the VCR.
     The first striking element of 'Cannibal Holocaust' is the opening credit theme, composed by Riz Ortolani, set over beautiful aerial views of the Amazon. This theme has become one of my favorites in cinema history, and certainly my favorite in the horror genre. It is beautiful, memorable, atmospheric, and the complete anthesis of the horrors to come. 

     The movie begins with a TV program about four documentarians who have gone missing in the jungles of South America - a director, his fiancé, and two cameramen. An NYU anthropology professor leads a search team to the jungles to find these missing filmmakers. Once there, the team witnesses disturbing and shocking rituals performed by local primitives. After gaining the trust of one tribe, the team discovers that the documentarians have been killed, but their footage has survived, remaining untouched. The team strikes up a deal for the footage and heads back to New York. 
     By this point, the fish sticks were done. I put them on one plate and covered another plate with all kinds of condiments for dipping sauces. Ketchup was the prominent condiment, if memory serves. We began eating and resumed watching.
     The anthropologist returns to NYU and views the footage. What unfolds is a series of atrocities that my brain can never erase. Several animal mutilations peppered throughout the found footage are actually real life mutilations, which were performed by the cast and crew of 'Cannibal Holocaust'. They include a muskrat, a turtle, a large spider, a snake, a squirrel monkey, and a pig. The turtle is the worst one of them all; it's an extended sequence where a live turtle is chopped limb from limb and then it's shell is pried open with a machete, revealing slimy innards. Ben and I suddenly regretted eating the fish sticks with ketchup. Besides these mutilations, there are vivid presentations of people being ripped open and eaten, castrations, forced abortions, impalements, graphic rape, and other abominations I'm surely blocking out. The climax of the found footage, as I recall, can only be described as a 'rape fiesta'.
     The movie ended. We sat in stunned silence. Ben got up after a moment, gathered his things, and mumbled something on the way out. I believe, to this very day, he still hasn't forgiven me.
     Controversy surrounded 'Cannibal Holocaust' upon it's original release. There were rumors going around in Italy - where the filmmakers hail from - that this was a genuine snuff film. The director was arrested ten days after the premiere. The courts not only believed that performers were killed on set to add realism, but that the girl in the infamous impalement scene was actually impaled by the crew.

     To add to the confusion, the actors had signed contracts which stated they would not appear in any media, motion pictures, or commercials until one year after the film's release. Facing life in prison, Deodato and the producers gathered the actors and brought them on an Italian talk show. They had to prove the violence had been staged. 
     From wikipedia: Although Deodato was exonerated for murder, the courts decided to ban Cannibal Holocaust because of the genuine animal slayings, citing animal cruelty laws. Due to this ruling, Deodato, the producers, screenwriter, and the United Artists representative each received a four-month suspended sentence after they were convicted of obscenity and violence. Deodato fought in the courts for three additional years to get his film unbanned. In 1984, the courts ruled in favor of Deodato, and Cannibal Holocaust was granted a rating certificate of VM18 for a cut print. It would later be re-released uncut.
     There is no doubt in my mind that this movie is a masterpiece. Some are appalled by the inclusion of true animal slaughters, but for me, they simply add to the dour atmosphere. Deodato had a message about the reality of violence and the imposition of modern life upon the primitives. He succeeded in making an unforgettable vision of the macabre. The true aim of any horror filmmaker should be to strike a nerve in the human psyche, and then twist that nerve to unbearable dimensions. Well, my nerves were good and twisted. For weeks after viewing, images and sequences would infiltrate my waking mind. These were not daydreams, these were day-terrors. 
     Eventually the terrors subsided. Still though, whenever anything bad or disturbing happens in my life I call it a 'Cannibal Holocaust'. Flat tire? It's a 'Cannibal Holocaust'. Broken leg? It's a 'Cannibal Holocaust'. Cheating spouse? It's a 'Cannibal Holocaust'. And so on.
     Would I recommend watching this film? It's hard to say. Is the potential viewer willing to change their life forever? That's the prerequisite: committal to a life-altering experience. Also, the promise not to hold me accountable. 
     Upon hearing how affected Ben and I were my brother decided to watch the movie for himself. Afterwards he said, "It wasn't that bad. You and Ben are pussies." 
     Maybe so, but every once in a while when looking through the freezer for something to eat I come across an unopened box of fish sticks. I am suddenly transported back to a viewing experience from mid-October 2007. Faint music fills the visibly chilly air.

McSorley's Old Ale House by Patrick Hennessey

     McSorley's is one of the oldest pubs in New York City. There are only two choices on tap - dark or light - but clueless patrons enter everyday and request their favorite brands of beer. For example, a group of drunks girls will approach the bar and their ringleader will ask in a lisp, "Can we have four Blue Moons with oranges, please?" The perturbed bartender will reply in a huff, "Dark or light?" The drunk girls will huddle together and confer in whispers, confused by the bartender's retort. After a moment, the ringleader will step forward again and ask, "Um... do you have Coors?" The bartender will slam his fist down on the bar and shout, "Dark or light!"

    This exchange is a metaphor for life. 

    Most of our days are spent like confused drunk girls asking completely irrelevant questions, only instead of a bartender, we're speaking to Higher Powers. Why are we here? What is my purpose? How can I make more money? When will I get married? And so on. In return, the Universe offers us two true paths - dark or light. Do we want to be negative, hateful, and sad? Or do we want to find love, fun, and happiness? Negative produces crap, positive produces good. It's really that simple. Questions will be answered once we've lodged our decision in concrete. We just need to choose.

     So, which path is your path? Dark or light? 

     I'm an optimist. I'll place my money on light. Nine times out of ten, light is what the McSorley's drunk girls end up ordering anyway.

http://www.mcsorleysnewyork.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McSorley's_Old_Ale_House

The Robbery (A Poem)

Dead cells were snipped with scissors
And fell down to the sheets
A bearded man arose again
With all intent to sweep

The front door swung wide-open
And knocked the bells to chime
There a thief stood, clad in mask
Married to a crime

His language was so unrefined
Warning not to stare
Either hands were on the ground
Or held up in the air

He got to working violently
Plundering the store

We counted toward infinity

Facedown upon on the floor

But a brave soul took a chance
Rushing from the side
First a loud bang, then a crash
The bearded man had died

The bells again, a quick retreat
So everyone could breathe
Except the man who cared enough
To take a chance and bleed

My Future Won't Last (A Poem)

My whole world shakes
And then I collapse
I die when I wake
So my thoughts overlap
In a forever
I reach towards the past
There's no progress forward
My future won't last

Delusive Blvd. (A Poem)

Hollywood stars
Lodged in concrete
Pictures are taken
Pointed at feet
Meanwhile above
Stars go unseen
One star we mar
The other we seek

What a wrong city
What a strange street
Months of monotony
Wake, sleep, repeat
Sunset? Whatever
The weather's the same
Ten months of drinking
One month of rain

The last month's for praying
And wishing for luck
But money's elusive
So Honey won't fuck
Reclusive byways
Foolhardy feast
Pick up the pennies
Retreat to the East

Thoughts & Questions by Patrick Hennessey

Life is a parade of beautiful women that are all too busy twirling their batons to stop and have a meaningful conversation.

.....

Many wet dreams occur when ghosts take advantage of a sleeping person's genitals.

.....

Most likely, predetermined 'soul mates' do not exist. Instead, an equality of love between two living souls creates true 'soul mating'.

.....

If sex drive were akin to dentistry, I'd be a drill bit in your mouth.

.....

Modern day obese couples give Adam and Eve a run for their money in the ribs department.

.....

Manhattan is like a baby panda bear; a little black, a little white, but mostly Asian.

.....

Los Angeles is like a baby zebra; a little black, a little white, but mostly a poser wishing it had been born a horse.

.....

Stop complaining about foreign films. Reading subtitles will make you smarter.

.....

Hollywood has been a perpetual travesty since the dawn of the naughts.

.....

It's a nightmare trying to fuck fat chicks when they smell like spaghetti bolognese.

.....

The grass might be greener on the other side, but it's also covered in a different brand of manure.

.....

The old proverb says: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But, what if that bush is your pubic hair?
.....

Be weary of mechanics with corroded teeth. If they neglect their own mouths, how can they be trusted with your car?

.....

What did the gay rooster crow at dawn? "Forget a-doodle-doo, just give me the cock!"

.....

If my crotch were made of Spic 'n Span, would you let me hump your kitchen floor?

.....

If my crotch were made of popcorn, would you go down on me in a movie theater?

.....

If my crotch were made of questions, would you answer truthfully?

.....

The beach is the same as a short-lived romance: You start out having fun, but in the end you get burned.

.....

Dyslexic Jews celebrate Overpass.

.....

Attending an all-boys-Catholic-school is like being on the Atkins diet -- you're encouraged to eat a lot of protein.

.....

Most times while in a drunken stupor my only solace is the creature who is further down a deeper stupor.

.....

I am usually reluctant to bring an end to my reluctance.

.....

To cease pursuits of knowledge when class is out of session is to cease the act of living; to give up on a blessing.

.....

In line at the Home Depot, I act bashful when I purchase a plunger.

.....

Pornography can serve as a form of birth control; it helps men and women get off solo, grow tired, and neglect sex with a partner.

.....

Sometimes you just have to jump your own bones.

THE ITCH TO PITCH (Part Two): "Rain Man 2: Dark Storm"

Breaking into Hollywood in this day and age is a daunting task for any aspiring screenwriter -- especially those who aspire to originality. Remakes, reboots, reimaginings and sequels continue to dominate the yearly output of every major studio. Well, I'm broke. Screw originality! Sign me up for the goddamn job! Here are snippets, pitches, story outlines and casting suggestions for the ridiculous Hollywood sequels I'm ready to write NOW.


'RAIN MAN 2: DARK STORM'

The original 'Rain Man' is a wonderful, infinitely quotable film about rediscovering familial roots. Arguably the finest work in both Cruise and Hoffman's long and illustrious careers. Hoffman brought home the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of Raymond Babbitt. The screenwriters, director, and picture also brought home golden statuettes. The characters are well-drawn, the story is engrossing, and the non-Hollywood ending is just short of brutal.


From IMDB trivia: On "Oprah", Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman said the "farting in the phone booth" bit was improvised when Hoffman actually passed gas while the scene was being filmed. Hoffman said it was his favorite scene ever.


'Rain Man' would have one hell of a time getting made today. Remade? I'm sure some industry folks are itching to have it happen. Count me out if that's the case. They'd probably cast James Franco as Charlie and Phillip Seymore Hoffman as Raymond (actually, on second thought, these choices aren't all that bad). However, if this movie is going to be sequelized, give me a call. I have a few ideas which might not stray too far from today's movie-exec mentality. 


Now, I am almost always of the mindset to bring back the original cast whenever continuations are concerned, but with Cruise being insanely expensive - and insanely cuckoo - we can cut him out for now. There is an easy way to shoehorn him in if necessary. More on that later. First, here's my initial idea for Rain Man 2...


    ESPIONAGE!!!


That's right! Up the ante a hundredfold from the original movie by switching genres. No longer a dramatic comedy, it'll be an action thriller!!! I say we inject the character of Raymond Babbitt into a world of super spies, car chases (finally proving he's an excellent driver), femme fatales, and villainous organizations hell-bent on world domination. Why? Because there is absolutely no way to match the emotional impact and surprises from the original film. Nope, no way whatsoever. Instead, make Raymond an autistic "Man Who Knew Too Much". We as an audience will root for Raymond because we already know and love the character. The action sequences and CG-eye-candy will bring in the asshole teenagers. Not to mention, Hans Zimmer could score the shit out of this thing!

Raymond is a savant specializing in numbers, right? So he'll simply overhear a numerical code for an atomic bomb while shopping for underwear at K-mart: 400 Oak Street. From there on in it will be a rapid succession of twists, turns, crosses, and double-crosses.

Here's a sample scene:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

BALD THUG, clad in a dark suit, pummels Raymond with smacks and slaps, then corners him next to a gas stove.

                        RAYMOND

             Definitely hurt... Definitely hurt...

Raymond trembles in fear, guarding his face with his arms and hands. He notices a pot of boiling water on the nearby stovetop.

                        RAYMOND
            Uh oh... Very bad....

                        BALD THUG

            Give me the code, retard!

                        RAYMOND

                  (Whispers)

            Hot water burn baby...

                        BALD THUG

            What?

                        RAYMOND

                  (Louder)

            Hot water burn baby...

                        BALD THUG

            Okay! You want to play games?

Bald Thug reaches for a gun holstered inside his suit jacket.

                        RAYMOND

                  (Shouts)

            Hot water burn YOU!

Raymond grabs the pot, throws it, and drenches the Bald Thug with boiling water. 

Bald Thug falls to the floor, SCREAMING in agony.

Raymond escapes through the back door.

                        RAYMOND

            Charlie Babbitt! Charlie Babbitt!

Cruise could be included as a 'damsel in distress' of sorts, if absolutely necessary. 

PICTURE THIS: The villains would capture Charlie Babbitt and torture him as a way to get to 'The Rain Man' (an alias the bad guys overhear for what they believe to be a cunning, code-hacking menace). Eventually, Raymond will give himself up in order to save his brother, but only if the evildoers agree to fly Charlie to safety on Quantas. But seriously, I'm not married to this subplot, so it can be excised in future drafts.

I believe "Rain Man 2: Dark Storm" could be a huge box office success. Would it do the original movie justice? Fuck no! But that's the day and age we live in. Nothing is safe or sacred. Just don't screw this classic with another remake. Sequelize it! Do it nuts, balls out, crazy, insane, etc. Push the character of Raymond Babbitt forward through ESPIONAGE! Or just let him exist as is. Your call, Hollywood.

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part one